The Fake Zakk Wylde Bio

Every once in awhile, I'll get a call or e-mail from a record company publicist with the four words that immediately put a sour feeling in the pit of my stomach: "Do you do bios?"

For the uninitiated, an artist bio is a brief page or two filled with basic biographical information and several quotes about the artist or band's new record. The record company sends it out to the press, usually with copies of the new record; when you see a short "interview" with that artist in a small newspaper like The Desert Sun or the Sioux Falls Argus Leader, the quotes will often be completely cribbed from the bio.

I hate writing artist bios for record companies, though I've done it a fair amount over the years. It's a moderately lucrative and (in theory) relatively simple task, but nine times out of ten it ends up being more trouble than it's worth. When you write an article for a magazine, it only has to pass muster with one editor, or possibly two; when you write a bio/press release to be included with an artist's new album, it usually has to meet with the approval of the band members, their manager(s), their publicist, their publicist's boss, and perhaps even the company's janitorial staff. Generally, all of these people have different expectations as to what the bio should say or achieve, none of which are usually communicated to you until after you hand in the first draft, and which sometimes make no sense whatsoever. Once, a well-respected veteran head of publicity for a well-known label actually told me (through one of their minions), "We're trying to give the band's photos a more British feel, and we'd like the bio to reflect that." The band in question, by the way, was not from Britain.

Consequently, I usually try to avoid getting involved with such projects unless I'm really strapped for cash. But last year, when Zakk Wylde's record company approached me about writing his bio, I jumped at the chance. After years of interviewing Zakk -- as Ozzy Osbourne's lead guitarist and as the leader of his own band, Black Label Society -- I knew that he would be a joy to work with. Other than music, sports and beer, there is little that the man takes seriously, himself included.

"Listen, bro," Zakk growled as he handed me my first beer of the afternoon, "I have to do one o' these goddamn bios every time I release a fuckin' record, and they all say the same fuckin' thing -- you can practically just change the album title and the names of the songs. So what we gotta do is give them the GAYEST bio they've ever seen, something totally fuckin' ridiculous! Tell 'em I've had a sex-change operation, or something!"

"C'mon Zakk," I protested, "You know they'll never go for it."

"Write a real one as well," he grinned, "but give 'em the fake one first, and see if it flies."

With that, we spent the next two hours killing a twelve-pack -- I had three -- and brainstorming  the goofiest (and most inappropriate for a macho heavy metal guitarist) bio imaginable. And  this is what we came up with:

ZAKK WYLDE: THE BIO

After nearly twenty years in the spotlight, Zakk Wylde is practically a household name. Plucked out of obscurity (and New Jersey) by Ozzy Osbourne in 1987, Zakk has since become one of the world’s most respected guitarists, due to the impressive body of work he’s recorded, both with Ozzy and his own band, Black Label Society. His beer drinking, weight lifting and refusal to bathe are the stuff of legend, but no one really knows the real Zakk Wylde. Now, with the release of the new Black Label Society album, Shot To Hell, his true story can finally be told.

ZAKK: THE BATHHOUSE YEARS

While vacationing on the Greek island of Zakynthos in the early 1970s, a married couple from New Jersey spotted a small, bearded child who was being raised by a herd of wild goats. These kind people adopted him and named him Zakk Wylde, in honor of his place of birth and the manner of his initial upbringing. But upon bringing him back to the United States, his adoptive parents realized that young Zakk was indeed too wild for suburban New Jersey. After he threatened to “administer a serious beat-down” to his daycare supervisor, they packed him off to military pre-school. Unfortunately, they put Zakk on the wrong train, and he ended up in New York City’s flamboyant East Village, where he got a job as a towel boy at The Continental Baths. “Bathhouse, gay brothel, same difference,” Zakk remembers with affection. While growing up there, he got his first taste of performing, harmonizing on Judy Garland songs with Bette Midler and her accompanist, a young up and coming piano player named Barry Manilow. Zakk took piano lessons from Manilow, but soon realized that the guitar would be a better instrument for him to truly express himself on. But when the steam from the baths corroded the strings of his first acoustic, he knew it was time to leave his beloved musky surroundings.

ZAKK: THE GRASSHOPPER YEARS

Intent on finding a guitar guru who could help him unlock the mysteries of the six-string, Zakk stowed away on a boat with an all-midget crew, and sailed for Spain. Though Zakk’s presence was soon given away when his tremendous farts rattled the very walls of the vessel, the midgets treated him kindly. For exercise, Zakk would bench press several of the little chaps simultaneously, a workout regiment that helped him acheive the ripped physique we know and admire today. Upon landing in Spain, Zakk made a treacherous journey on foot through the darkest Spanish Alps until he finally came to the castle of Esteban, the legendary flamenco guitarist. “My life is meaningless unless I can study with you,” said Zakk, groveling at Esteban’s shiny knee-boots. “You may stay here as my student, Grasshopper,” Esteban told him, “and you will learn the magic of the guitar and the importance of impressive ‘package’ display. But by day, you must clean my moat, wash my castle walls, and polish my platinum-inspired tuning pegs.” Zakk gratefully did as he was told, and spent the next several years in Esteban’s castle. Esteban taught him to make love to the guitar as if it were a woman; but when Zakk tried to make love to a woman as if she were a guitar, the Spanish authorities found out about it and immediately had him deported.

ZAKK: THE PUSHERMAN YEARS

Zakk returned to the US in the mid-1980s, depressed but determined to make his mark as a musician. He traveled to Chicago, where he signed on as guitarist and bandleader for the Windy City Gay Men’s Chorus. “I’ve got nothing against gay people, but I just don’t swing that way,” Zakk explains. “Except, of course, when I’m doing lots of cocaine and listening to my George Michael records!” Zakk supported his cocaine and George Michael habit by distributing steroids, human growth hormone and pineal gland extract to baseball players like Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmiero. (In fact, Zakk was originally supposed to testify before the 2005 Congressional hearings on the use of steroids in Major League Baseball, until a certain unnamed, totally ‘roided-out politician demanded that Zakk’s name be removed from the list of witnesses.) But when Zakk started juicing himself, tragedy struck — he had a weight-lifting accident while benching 750 pounds, and cracked three of his ribs in the process. This “epiphamy,” as Zakk describes it, led him to rededicate his life to the guitar. Shortly after this momentous occurrence, Ozzy Osbourne spotted Zakk onstage at a gay cabaret; impressed with both Zakk’s ferocious playing and the snug fit of his bell-bottom jeans, Ozzy hired him on the spot.

ZAKK: THE OZZY YEARS

The Zakk-Ozzy partnership proved fortuitous for both men. Zakk’s wailing licks and songwriting chops helped Ozzy achieve a level of excellence that matched his days with Randy Rhoads, while Ozzy brought Zakk into the public eye for the first time. Behind the scenes, Ozzy also helped Zakk bravely battle his addiction to white wine enemas, which he finally kicked in the summer of 1994. As Ozzy’s guitarist, Zakk played countless sold-out shows, drank beer from around the globe and brought leaders of many nations together in an attempt to achieve world peace. Ultimately, though, he knew he would have to leave Ozzy and return to his true love — musical theater.

ZAKK: THE BLACK LABEL YEARS

Unfortunately, times had changed since Zakk was last in New York; by the mid-1990s, having the Continental Baths on his resume was no longer a guaranteed way to score a role in a Broadway show. After unsuccessfully auditioning for Cats, Rent and Mamma Mia, a dejected Zakk realized that it was finally time to “go the other way,” and put together the baddest hard rock band in the business. Thus, Black Label Society was born. Over the years BLS has become more than just a band — it’s a way of life that’s all about loyalty, friendship, and the use of hydrating skincare cosmetics. The new BLS album, Shot To Hell was recorded with producer Michael Beinhorn (Ozzy, Korn, Soundgarden) at Ameraycan Studios in North Hollywood, California, and will be released this summer on Roadrunner Records, shortly after Zakk’s recent sex-change procedure. “This record really shows off my feminine side,” says Zakk, proudly. “Although, when I find that doctor who botched up my operation, I’m gonna kick his ass! I mean,  I was with my wife the other night, and I was like, ‘Look at yours and look at mine — you call this a labia?” Tracks like “Concrete Jungle,” “Lead Me To Your Door” and “Give Yourself To Me” harken back to his days as a young street hustler, while “New Religion” details his brief flirtation with Scientology. “Those Scientologists almost had me, but then they started talking about how tomatoes feel pain,” he reveals. “I mean, come on, what the fuck is that shit?” With the new record about to drop, and prominent a role in the upcoming Billy Zane-directed movie Red Line, Zakk is riding higher than ever. And for once, cocaine and white wine enemas have nothing to do with it.

Postscript: When I e-mailed the above bio to Zakk's publicist, I thought I'd hear back from him in an hour or two with a message like, "Ha ha, very funny. Now where's the real bio?" But I didn't hear back from him that morning, or that afternoon. In fact, it wasn't until about two weeks later that I received a very timid and aplogetic e-mail from him, to the effect of: "Um, the Zakk bio's pretty funny and all, but you don't talk as much about the new album as I'd like. And we should probably dial down the gay stuff a little bit."

"Dude," I replied, "That was a FAKE bio! Here's the real one."

"Oh nice," he huffed back. "Way to get my boss to yell at me!"

Needless to say, the above bio wasn't included in the press packages for Black Label's Shot To Hell CD. Too bad; I sure would've loved to have seen some of Zakk's "quotes" show up in The Desert Sun.

(Zakk photo copyright Dan Epstein 2006)

Comments

[Michael Ansaldo]

Masterful, dude. I especially like the part where the label stooge got chewed out by his boss.

My intro to Zakk: Jason Newsted, a photgrapher and myself standing in a warehouse at 9 a.m. waiting for Zakk to show up. About 45 minutes later, a black SUV pulls in driven by what looks like the Lone Biker of the Apocalypse -- but no sign of Zakk. The driver walks around to the back, opens the hatch and out rolls Zakk partially covered by a blanket and clutching a pillow -- apparently he'd been sleeping back there. A few minutes later he walks into the warehouse with a beer in one hand, a case with the other 11 under the other arm, chanting "I'm an evil lowlander" in his best Scottish brogue. It got interesting from there.

And a word on the financial rewards of bios when you're strapped for cash: I once did one on Roxette. Enough said.

[Chris]

Having you as a friend means that I get to hear and thoroughly enjoy stories like this without all of the crap and garbage of dealing with the music biz. Then again, I have spent a few too many hours listening to the "brilliance" of Patrick Swayze...

[hipspinster]

dude, you have a blog! who knew? i linked ya over at my joint.

great bio story. you have all the fun.

xx,
nn

[Guy V]

The band "Grandaddy" once turned in an entire fake album to their label. The band later released the album under the name "Arm Of Roger". Good stuff.

[coach handbags]

Faced with a hard and demanding task, people’s attitude varies widely: some try to avoid it and others regard it as a challenge to their abilities. In fact the choice we make between flight or fight make the difference between leaders and mediocrities.

[Music_master]

Do you have a viable business but lack the necessary finances to get it off it’s feet?

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[JohnParks]

lol...Zakk is hilarious